By Chris Baréz-Brown
How to stay miserable at work……
Recently I have noticed that folk are losing their touch.
Work is not to be enjoyed.
It’s not what gives our lives meaning or indeed any pleasure.
It’s a means to an end.
It’s pays us cash so we can live our lives whilst not at work.
For those of you who are plainly confused by this arrangement here are some tips on making sure the balance is redressed:
- Remember that work is shit and you only do it because you have no choice. It’s like a prison sentence. Drag your sorry ass in and celebrate with booze as soon as you get out to show you are then free, living your best life. Working for the man is degrading and demeaning. Make sure everyone knows that. Never look like you are enjoying it – it confuses folk. Contempt is king. Feel it deep within your black heart. It’s your duty and supports us all to do the same.
- Say yes, but mean no. It’s an age-old tradition. It’s what people expect. It provides the necessary resistance to anything “good” or “new”.
- Never ever ask for feedback. Wait for your annual appraisal and then look surprised when you hear how averagely you have done. Agree to focus on your weaknesses under massive duress without ever looking your boss in the eye. Well done. You have another year to silently seethe until this bullshit starts all over again.
- Shirk. This is your prime focus. How to look busy whilst doing as little as possible. This isn’t a behaviour it’s a whole lifestyle. Only twats work harder than they need to so please do not.
- Constantly complain/brag as to how busy you are. No one sacks a busy person or even looks into what they are actually doing. Cultivate an air of being stressed when you haven’t done a single thing. Genius skill.
- Bitch. Negativity is a superpower. Slag off everyone and everything. Liking stuff is a weakness. You are better than that. Best to target new initiatives as they have an inbuilt vulnerability. Kill them fast. If they do survive and deliver real results – sssshhhh! Move on to the next thing. Your boss. They deserve it.
- Eye roll. It’s a ninja move. Combine it with a shuffling gate, hunched shoulders and occasional tut and you will be the living embodiment of resistance.
- Digital escape – if you have a phone, you have a portal to another world. Use it to escape the pain of work existence. The more you stare at it, the less you feel. The numb state is the only state. Doesn’t matter what you are scrolling as long as it’s not work. Every second counts. Build over time until it is your work.
- Strength together. Find the other negative fuckers and spend all your time with them. They can’t sack you all. Practice your bitching together. Support your group tardiness. Unsaid eye contact when shared with absolute disdain can take a leader down at 50 yards. Perfect it.
- Cultivate self-loathing. Hate yourself for needing this job. Hate yourself for being such a loser and working with such losers. No power like that. People need to see it and smell it on you. Then you can become invisible and just take up space. Like a cockroach you will be impossible to kill. Congratulations! You can now coast into retirement knowing full well you will never have to change or do anything extra. Bravo!
And if you've had enough of being miserable, then get in touch for a chat and we'll try to cheer you up.