In 2020, we’re exploring our energy. How it affects us physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. We’ve hooked up with a series of experts who will set an experiment every month to help us discover a new way of managing our energy.
As we’re all on lockdown right now, we’ve taken a slightly different approach to this month’s Energy Experiment and have been working with the inspirational Dr Mark Goulston on an experiment that's all based around connecting emotionally with our loved ones. Dr Mark was a UCLA professor of psychiatry for over 25 years, he’s a former FBI and police hostage negotiation trainer and he’s currently a change facilitator to businesses globally, so we couldn’t be in better hands when it comes to experimenting with how we connect with people on an emotional level.
The experiment Dr Mark’s set us requires a certain amount of bravery, but the benefits are huge… So if you’re in need of a big bold step to blow off the cobwebs off social isolation, then this experiment is for you… Emotional connection is a basic human need and one we're wired to crave – it’s in our DNA and it’s as strong our need for food, water and warmth. It triggers the release of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, and oxytocin counteracts high cortisol, the stress hormone. When this occurs, cortisol goes down and our minds calm down.
This month’s challenge isn’t one to do every day. It’s one to find the right time to do with a loved one once, and then to spend time afterwards processing what it means for you and the person you have the connection with.
It looks like this…
1) Tell your partner, “I have something to ask you and I would like your undivided attention. When would be a good time to get it?”
If they become anxious say to them, “No, it’s not about money or having an affair or being ill. It’s just something I’d like to ask you when I can get your undivided attention.”
BTW, that will get their undivided attention!
2) Then when you’re with your partner look them squarely in the eye and say to them, “At my absolute worst how awful/ lonely (choose the one that works best for you) am I capable of making you feel?’
They may begin to tear up, because you’ve just uncorked feelings they had bottled up for a long time and would be deathly afraid to be so vulnerable and express to you. If that happens say, “Please, look at me. I didn’t know it was so bad and to be honest, I didn’t even want to know”.
3) Whatever the response you get, listen to it full and then respond by saying “You don’t deserve that, and I am going to fix it. And I am sorry.”
It's then down to you to process what the feedback you received means for you and what you can do to address this and develop a deeper, more meaningful emotional connection with that person going forwards.
It’s a big thing to ask of someone and so don’t go into this expecting anything other than big responses. And don't do this one unless you're fully prepared to hear their responses and fully prepared to process what it means for you both. But if you are, you’ll find you grow as a person, your relationship will grow, and you’ll experience a deeper emotional connection than you’ve perhaps ever had before with that person.
The Upping Your Elvis Team